Why Do Parenting Styles Change So Much?

It’s interesting to me how parenting changes with each generation. I mean, we expect it to, right? I just read an article from last year that listed the generations of the last century and a key corresponding parenting trait. That article and others like it have caused me to take a look at my own parenting style and how it continues to evolve as the kids get older, and wonder what it will be like in another generation or two. It took me down a complete rabbit hole.

The Silent Generation, which my parents are part of by just a few years, is right before the Boomers. The kids of this generation were expected to focus on a strong work ethic, and their character was built from there. Their goal was to get a job right out of school and stick with it until they retired and maybe were lucky to get a pension after 30+ years.

Boomers redefined parenting by being the first generation to consider their kids’ perspectives. They started the idea of family meetings, and let the kids run wild until the streetlights came on. They rebelled against their parents and embraced the summer of love. This entire definition confirms that my parents came from the previous generation. There were no family meetings or consideration of what opinions my sister and I may have had. And we had many.

Gen X (holding up my hand) started helicopter parenting and according to that article, has a “tendency to be far more involved with their children’s social and educational development.” Yeah, I’m a little guilty of that but trying really hard not to be. Anyone else recognize themselves?

Millennial parents are more open-minded than most of the earlier generations, are more likely to encourage their kids to express themselves, and are leading the movement in helping gender non-conforming kids to be happy with who they are. I cannot applaud all of this enough.

Each generation of parents is influenced by how they were raised. There are cycles to be broken and new traditions to start. Taking the best and leaving the rest.

I’d call myself a play on the floor kind of parent. I don’t think I fit the helicopter/ hovering parent style though. When the kids are with friends or playing sports, I’m on the sidelines. They aren’t over-scheduled. Now with Covid, they have few IRL activities, aside from distanced, mask-wearing get-togethers. I like to do stuff with them and right now they still like to do stuff with me. It was pointed out to me that not all parents can actually play on the floor and that some may have disabilities that aren’t readily visible. While I do, literally play on the floor, I suppose I meant it more as a style of parenting. I play Legos with them, be it at a table or the floor. Crafts and art projects are my jam, I love an adventure, and I have gotten really good at Kung Fu Panda on the PS4. Sometimes I want to play with them doing what they want to do. Right now they are fun and interesting and make each other laugh. Teenage-hood is not too far around the corner and I’m very aware that they’ll be more into their friends than me all too soon.

Time for some introspection. With a few exceptions, my parents expected my sister and me to play together, or to play with friends, or alone. That was fine with me, I liked time alone, and honestly, I didn’t have many friends. One of the things my mom and I did together was cook. She gave me typical jobs and I developed a taste for raw chocolate chip cookie dough (I know, not good) early on. My parents really shined on birthdays and vacations. Birthdays were special. Those birthday parties would be considered old-school today, maybe even old-fashioned. A bunch of kids in our basement, mom made a cake, games were played, fun was had, or maybe we spent the afternoon at the roller-rink. Some years, my summer birthday aligned with another special event. Vacation. Every year dad would take two weeks off in the summer and we’d have an epic road trip to the beach or somewhere in the midwest that was a few days drive from our suburban Illinois home. We would stop at truck stops and diners. Places with funny-sounding names like the Purple Cow. The crazier the name the better. Mom would have dad pull over and the question was, “but do they have pie?” Usually, the motel would have a pool. Remember the Holiday Inn? Or better, the Holidome? After whatever beach/lake/town we spent the day at, Dad would play with us in the pool for hours. Marco Polo. Throwing us. Cannonballs. Diving for pennies. He’d get out and let out a faux cry of being too tired, but we’d lure him back in with, “5 more minutes Daaaaaad!!!” When we moved to California we’d day trip to the beach and bring a picnic. Those were fantastic days.

But for the most part, day-to-day, we were left to our own devices. Some people might think my husband and I overdo it. I am pretty certain my parents think we play too much with the kids, and I don’t care. I don’t think we’re alone either. I did a very informal Twitter poll and almost all the respondents said they considered themselves ‘play on the floor’ style parents and half of those said their parents were too. Don’t get me wrong, they definitely play alone, or with each other every day. But I’m also not going to pass up a game of UNO.

My grandparent’s generation saw the kids (my parents) mostly being on their own with other neighborhood kids and family. Lots of chores and doing things to help the family. Watchful neighbors were everywhere to try to keep you out of trouble, but kids were with kids.

I’ve read several articles about current parenting trends and here is what I’ve learned. New parents are giving their kids more freedom than ever before. Because of the pandemic, parenting looks even more different. Child care looks different. For many, working looks different. New parents are embracing telehealth and technology in general. There are more transparent and honest conversations about parenting, especially as mothers and people of color. This generation is also expected to have less guilt about giving their kids screen time because they will be more intentional about it. This generation of parents hasn’t known life without technology. It’s not all evil, we just have so much at our fingertips and we need to use it in a non-toxic way. We went from having three channels to everything streaming in about 80 years.

We’re doing our best. Parenting the way we think is best for our kids, given current circumstances, and what our kids need at the time. There’s nothing written in stone. Parenting is a bunch of contradictions. Keep them safe; teach them independence. Encourage them to do their best; don’t put too much pressure on them. The one thing that I keep reminding myself? Most of parenting, to me, is showing up. Tell them and show them we love them. I go to their things when I can and try not to feel guilty when I can’t. Listen to what they are telling me. Not just the words, but what is between the words. Advocate for them when they need it and they can’t do it for themselves.

So, let’s keep showing up. We change, we adapt and we do our best. The kids will be more than all right.

Kids Have a Lot of Feelings- and Parenting is Hard

My alt title for this post was, How Always Putting My Feelings Second Hurt My Self Confidence, but that felt like too much of a downer.

Parenting is hard. Teach them and also listen to them. Give them independence but be there. Instill values, beliefs and maybe a tiny bit of critical thinking. We have had interesting conversations with our kids about their feelings and emotions. I know some adults that don’t know how to handle their feelings, so of course it’s a lot for kids. Especially as they are growing up and living life so they can put real experiences to those emotions beyond sad, mad and happy. Feelings are complicated. For example, empathy, sympathy, and compassion. Everyone has different degrees of these qualities. Unless you’re a psychopath in which case you have basically none of those qualities.

My parents instilled the importance of being understanding, since I was a kid. It was always, “imagine how the other person is feeling”, or “think about it from their side”, or “they didn’t mean it”, or maybe my favorite, “be the bigger person”. So, I did. Anytime someone teased or harassed me I’d just smile and walk away or do absolutely nothing. “Ignore them,” they said. I am definitely empathetic and sympathetic now and I’m sure a lot of that comes from those early years. I can also tell you that a lot of kids thought I was stuck up because I was so quiet. I can tell you I was a hot mess. I had a lot of feelings and didn’t know how to articulate them much less understand them. That Katy Perry lyric, “I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything,” is so apt.

Those qualities of being understanding and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes are important. We are all going through things that no one else might be aware of and we, especially as adults, should understand that. There’s no reason to be judgmental or be a jerk when you don’t know the whole story. But here’s the thing.

I followed those rules to the extent that I think I lost myself. It felt like everyone else’s feelings were always right and mine didn’t matter. I didn’t stand up for myself, so I was run over again and again. Guess how my confidence developed? You’re right.

“I was hurting but I was supposed to ignore that and just focus on the fact that the other person was probably hurting more. ”

I’m constantly worried that I’m doing the right thing with our kids. My husband and I have tried to pick the parts of the parenting we liked from our parents and made up the rest. That’s kind of what we do right? A bit of this, a bit of that, definitely never this thing, and whirl it all in a blender and marinade the kids in it. Ok, that analogy doesn’t really work but you get the idea. I see our kids and you know what? They’re great. They are kind and have each other’s backs. They stick up for themselves and each other. They are hilarious and smart, interesting and a mystery all at the same time. I think we’re doing a pretty great job but it’s still really hard. Let’s give each other a little space and grace. The kids will be alright.