Parenting to Motivate

What an odd time it is. Our kids have started the school year with remote learning and if I were a betting woman, I’d bet they will end the school year the same way. Our days don’t vary as much as they used to and the kids, at 10 and 11, are entering a time in their lives where there are big changes and greater expectations.

My husband and I, as I think most adults, are influenced by how our parents raised us. Some things we have brought into our own little family and some things we have not. I don’t remember a lot of encouragement or accolades for being good at anything when I was a kid. I mean, I must have, my overall feeling of my childhood was happy and fun. With our kids, when they do something good, or overcome something, we acknowledge it.

Good job swimming the length of the pool! That’s great you finished the whole book! That was some challenging new math- proud of you for sticking with it.

We do that to encourage the good behavior we want to see more of from them. To instill confidence and good self-esteem. We really are proud of them. Do I overdo it sometimes? Probably. So I’ve been watching myself and how I respond to the kids’ big and little achievements. Research shows that if praise is not perceived as sincere, children won’t feel encouraged​ or motivated, and kids are usually more perceptive than we give them credit for.

There is no one-size fits all and parenting styles change a little in each generation, with doctors, psychologists and research gaining in popularity. Not that long ago children were supposed to be seen and not heard. Now we have meaningful conversations with three year olds. Or at least we try to.

I’ve been reading a lot about how to motivate kids, specifically my own, and here is what I have learned. Intrinsic motivation isn’t something you’re necessarily born with, It has to be developed, and some methods are more helpful than others. Plus, what you thought might be the best at creating this motivation within your child might actually be doing the opposite.

According to Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, the feeling of mastering a task is highly motivating. Well, sure. And I guess it’s been a while since I’ve learned something truly new, and I think I forgot how great that feeling can be.

On a PBS segment she said, “Sometimes motivation is easy. When a task is fun and interesting, trying hard feels effortless. A child who loves basketball may endlessly practice free throws. A child who is fascinated by Greek gods may devour books on this topic. All of these are examples of intrinsic motivation because the motivation comes from the enjoyableness of the task itself.”

What that means is that as parents, we should create intrinsic motivation by turning necessary tasks into fun activities. Encouraging kids to be curious, use humor and have fun are all ways to make learning new tasks more enjoyable.

I remember using stickers and M&Ms on my own kids to reward (ahem - bribe) them for small things that were really important to me. During potty training. During swim class when they were toddlers. And it definitely worked to help us get over a big step. It was never supposed to be a long-term reward system. It loses its value after a few weeks when kids get bored with the task or feel like the stickers are no longer worth it. Or they start to feel like they are owed this reward for everything. I remember my daughter started requesting stickers for every little thing she accomplished. You can imagine that didn’t last.

Finally, kids are little sponges. They watch the behavior of the people around them. They see me try something new, it doesn’t pan out, I try it again. I’m trying really hard to set a good example for the kids. Do I fail sometimes? Absolutely.

Bottom line: be patient and authentic with your praise. Show up for your kids by acknowledging the effort and smaller accomplishments. No one is 100% motivated all the time and as resilient as kids are, it’s a little extra tough right now. And lets be a little patient with ourselves while we’re at it.